A Coded Truth...

This is a piece I don’t think you will want to waist your time reading because it’s actually for my own use. I will try to put it in to words that only I would understand the concept behind as its content is very personal and do not think it’s appropriate to share with anyone. The aim behind this attempt is to provide me with hope that one day I will be able to look back on it and appreciate that all has passed well and the saying ‘… this also will pass’ is a true source of hope for me.

* * *
For once I have thought I was invincible until time proved me wrong with a series of mistakes that has only gotten me closer and closer to my greatest fear. Troubled by the consequences I am only disappointed with myself that I am left speechless on the outside and shattered from with in.

I was not driven by curiosity, lust of the unknown, or stupidity; it is absolutely something that had to have happened for me to either get on top; and control the situation, or a life turning event that will change the course of my life as I know it.

No matter what the outcome is I know my lesson; wisdom is useless if all that is known is not used. I am just amazed with the irony of how the simplest lessons are always learned through the hardest means.

If only I meditated just one more time I would have learned that lesson through the opening of the mind rather than the ruining of lives. But what good is that now; what is done is done. Feels like the consequences has already started even before it has begun.

Will my skills get me out of what I have gotten myself in? I surely hope so. I have fallen in the trap of a situation unimaginable and far fetched to my reality. Darkness has fallen and the night is here to stay. I sit here and think to myself ‘<( it was only the peasants good nature that lead him suffering the consequences of his masters greed. Or was it the masters greed that took advantage of the peasants good nature)>’ either way, things are not looking well leaving my mind weighed down by troubled souls… mine and others.

Home Sweet Home?

As the plane was about to touch down in Queen Alias Airport today, I noticed the desert surrounding the runway; failing tons of times to put what I had noticed into words, a feeling of not belonging was all I was left with. Don’t know why or what triggered that emotion but that was all I felt… at least for the time being.

Collected my bags and headed out; I noticed my brother, his fiancé, Deeb and the driver in the midst of the crowd and thought to myself ‘Now that feels more like it!’ I finally felt the warmth of being back home. Talking and catching up made me feel better and time flew as the seemingly endless ‘Share3 el Matar’ has finally come to an end for us which meant I was only a few minutes away from home.

I rushed to greet our two maids as I noticed how they haven’t changed by taking them hours to unlock the door. I felt at home more or less as I entered, until I was making my way to the kitchen and realized my girlfriend standing next to the door. What a surprise! Finally in the arms of the one I love surrounded by friends and family I knew I was home!

Yet, I still couldn’t stop myself from thinking if it wasn’t for them I would still be feeling like I don’t belong here…

Unpleasant Pattern Unraveled (Part I)

Growing up exposed to many different concepts in psychology; a result of my unsatisfied curiosity regarding the mystery behind the human mind, social interactions, and patterns of behavior led me to the analysis of encounters I had with friends, and others that I observed with out any interference.

I know I can develop a comprehensive perception of the matter by understanding the motives of people; being able to pick up certain signals is vital in that case, and seeking more options and alternatives is necessary. After all, motives are what drive every person to take certain actions, talk in certain tones, and behave in a certain manner.

My gut feeling tells me, the motive lays behind the answers of a recurring ‘Why?’ sequence of questions and that is what I have been doing. Answering questions like ‘Why did he/she just lie to me?’ for example, and then taking in all the possible reasons and trying to narrow them down. Finally, simplifying them with another ‘Why?’ question if possible until I get to the core (motive). It’s amazing how I managed to fail math yet I can do this effortlessly.

Now that we are done with the psychological aspect I can start sharing its implication on my life J

I have realized that all the serious relationships I had gotten myself involved in unfortunately share an unpleasant pattern. For me, I feel every relationship deserves a great start. For that I am most honest, loyal, and understanding towards the beginning of it. Yet, no matter what personality my partner may posses it is always the opposite.

As the relationship hasn’t matured yet, they tend to lie, be inconsiderate, and self-centered. Now of course me being the stubborn pain in the ass kind of guy I forgive but don’t forget. So as my partner is taking things lightly and doing mistakes I forgive and give enough time and chances, but the desire in me that is motivating me to put the effort on the relationship starts to fade.

It really does amaze me the time it takes for a girl to realize her mistakes (don’t know if the same applies to men as I have always dated women hehe) don’t get me wrong I am not rushing or anything but I am talking about 7 months of being with someone and up! I mean what the hell am I doing wrong?! Is it supposed to take that long to come to an agreement with someone to base a relationship on honesty? And let me add something, I am not talking about people I just met or who are strangers to me, I am talking about ones that I have been close to for years! our friendship was based on honesty why is it the minute we take it to another level that all the lying and deceiving starts to come up?

I hope now the picture has become a bit clearer to continue the second phase of the relationships. Now that 7 months to a year had passed and I am struggling to get a relationship on its feet I am left completely and utterly hopeless. The thought of breaking up seems heavenly and so I take actions, give a brief summary of why things led to that (of course she is entitled to know why I am ending it!) and suddenly it becomes a wake up call. All the arguing in the past was just useless but now she gets me; promises are made, and hopes are high I decide to give one last chance. She manages to be wonderful for a few days thinking that I have forgotten the idea of a break up and guess what? Back to the old habits, this reoccurs a couple of times until I am completely sure I have given enough chances (sometimes by the time she gets it I am just left with no feelings for that person that all the change was simply too late) and then I let go.

Inevitable Mistakes

I sometimes wonder what is it that drives me to make a choice fully knowing it is wrong in every way possible. I am just sitting here now trying to justify a decision I have made recently; I was completely aware of its consequences, I acknowledge the hurt and pain it will cause me, there is not a single benefit out of it. Yet it didn’t change a thing, and I know if I would go back in time, I still wouldn’t change it.

Why can’t I avoid certain mistakes? I don’t know. Am I benefiting someone else by making these mistakes? I don’t know that either. It’s just something I have to go through, that’s how I justify it to myself. I believe that no matter how aware I am of my actions and their results, there will always be times when I will inflict pain on people around me unknowingly, and that’s just nature’s way of paying me back.

Sounds crazy, right? I know! But what other explanation is there?

Just a Thought

Turning 20 on July 8th I can’t help but think of all the things I have been through. Questions regarding my past haunts me; leaving me restless through the nights. Wishing I could avoid thinking of those painful questions only engraves them deeper in my soul. Yes indeed, they are hurtful when the answers are not what I had hoped or planned for.

I did all the wrong things, took all the wrong decisions, and caused pain to people around me. Knowing that just makes me wonder; Am I the person I think I am? Or have I turned to what I have been steering people away from? There are two sayings I always remind myself of; one which is relevant to the subject at hand, so I am willing to share it.

‘People hate in others what they hate in themselves.’

I know for a fact this saying is true, I also know I have never held pure hatred to anyone in my life; yet I can’t believe its implication on me in that context. So is it true? Do I hate myself that much that all this time I have been giving advice and guiding people not to be like me with out realizing it? Is everything I criticized embedded in me in one way or another? I can’t find a reasonable explanation so it ought to be true. Wow, now that’s a slap in the face.

Left missing so many things from the past that I can’t get back, and longing for so many things from the future that I can never have. A birthday spirit seems out of reach and unlikely this year as the case has been the same through out previous years.

This Time Again

Its late, darkness has fallen upon Boston city. The view from the 23rd floor over the river and the rest of Boston is breath taking; just another window in the building and just another building in the skyline is where I am. A feeling of disapproval is all I have for myself; not hate, just disapproval. A story from a book or a fairytale is where a character like me belongs; with a twist at the end to make up for all the pain and suffering I am going through sounds satisfying. However, in reality that never happens or the chances are negligible.

A time of goodbyes and more detaching is all I can see in my near future. The time has almost come to let a dear person I have grown too attached to sail away. I know I have taught and learned a lot through it all. The essences of my soul was hopefully planted and will remain to grow in her; honesty, creativity, and self-awareness. It’s always after the separation of someone so dear when you start to realize what are the habits and lessons you learned and picked up from that person. Hopefully she benefits after all said and done.

For me, my headset is on and Howie Day is playing ‘Collide’ with his acoustic guitar.
The chorus rings, and then replays in my mind.

Even the best fall down sometimes

Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find

You and I collide

Now even though this is not the first time I let a person go, it always feels like it. The pursuit for true love continues and I am determined not to settle for anything less. Many people that know me see me jumping in and out and out of relationships, from one person to another. And that’s true; it is because I am insecure and alone by nature. Yet, I know the minute I meet the right girl both our hearts will shine and everyone will know. Until then I’ll keep doing what hurts me most.

This is who I am…

A new day has dawned and I am lying in bed unable to sleep. Just pondering my mission in life; what is it I am really here to do? Is a question that keeps running through my mind. In my opinion, we as humans build things to ease, and comfort our lives according to our needs and wants. I feel the creation of that sort is a reflection of our personalities, the interactions in communities whether in groups or between individuals on an unconscious level.

For me, I have always seen myself as a ‘lighthouse’. Standing there alone, built to endure, watching people come and go yet never going anywhere; with the purpose of guiding others. I see people reaching out just temporarily, enough time to advise, teach, and open-up the eyes of those lost sailors at sea, and now the hard part comes; watching them turn there backs and walk away at the end of the day. By nature I am serene, sad, and alone; Located on the suburbs of people lives, a pleasant get away place. Yet, the fact still remains i am just another stop on the way, and not the final destination.

Right or Wrong?

I would like to take the chance to comment on some quotes I found on a blog while surfing. Even though the quotes came from men who have great achievements; the stupidity behind those quotes are greater. But what really shocked me is that the post was entitled ‘My Favourite Quotes’. I am honestly confused, are they really as bad as I think they are? Or is it just because I am furious at the moment, and I am the pessimist I have always been?

Here are the quotes and underneath each one my opinion of why I thought it sucked.



*"Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.”Oscar Wilde

Mm… where do I start? Arguments are meant to occur to come up with conclusions, find answers, and resolve conflicts. With out them we’d just be pretending that problems do not exist when they are real. Vulgar? i think it depends on the arguement cause not all are vulgar. Convincing he said? Of course you have to avoid arguments if you’re afraid of accepting other ideas and point of views.

*"Life cheats us with shadows.we ask it for pleasure .it gives it to us, with bitterness and disappointment in its train."Oscar Wilde

what the hell… Are u fuckin out of your mind? You think life is a drive thrue where you ask for what you want? Life is a mix of pleasure, bitterness, and disappointment. I dunno about the rest, but I know i have taken a lot more bitterness and disappointments than pleasure itself so you should be thankful that for you bitterness and disappointness are just side orders.


*"Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes."Mahatma Gandhi

Honestly, this has topped the levels of idiocy I ever imagined existed! no one can take away your freedom to make mistakes but in return you have to suffer the consequences. You can make the mistake of killing someone but you’ll be jailled, you can make the mistake of hurting another person emotionally but then its up to him/her to forgive you or not. Keyword CONSEQUENCES! You can never be in a place or situation where your freedom to make mistakes is taken away from you…



*Note: I know my language is a little out of place in this post but this is how I am feeling right now, hope it doesn’t offend anyone.

Ignorance is Bliss

This started out as a comment to the previous post as a reply to Malcolm’s. Then I decided to turn it to a post because of the depth I am hoping to discuss regarding that matter.

Just got off the phone again with a dear friend of mine a little while ago; knowing this person for over 4 years, I think I have created pretty accurate judgements regarding her personality, patterns of behaviour, and so on. Joyful, upbeat, sociable, are all words I can use to describe her attitude on the better side. However, the self-centred and narrow-minded person that she is completes her personality profile as you may say. Can’t help thinking of her ideal combination of flaws I have to admit.

Narrow-mindedness enables the person to go through obstacles, only seeing what they want to see. Everything is perceived as either black or white, the dilemmas of the ‘grey array’ does not exist; resulting in a form of simplicity in the life of that person. Living in his own world, by his own rules; not knowing how to understand other viewpoints, judging on things from just one angle. On top of all that, the person doesn’t even realise that there are other ways, ideas, or angles to different issues. A state of mind I would only dream of reaching, yet if I had the choice I wouldn’t.

Self-centeredness on the other hand, is the thrust, the engine, source of life, and the motivation behind that person’s spirit.

Note: I am unable to continue this post at the moment so I am posting what I have written so far, and hopefully the rest will follow tom. For those who are anxious and were wondering what will the next post be about, now you know.

Misunderstood… I wish

Whether in reality or in a movie, people always sympathise knowing someone was misunderstood. Knowing a persons true intentions and the misinterpretation of another is a definite sign that someone messed up. Read all the wrong signals, made wrongful judgements, and inflicted pain and hurt on the wrong person.

It’s usually; sympathy from those knowing, guilt for those doing, and desperation for the misunderstood. For me it’s envy for the misunderstood. It’s so painful knowing you were misinterpreted but it’s excruciating not being understood at all! It’s like I am working on a different frequency or something. A feeling of not belonging, like a stranger is all I can feel when talking to people. I am a great listener I’ve been told, and I could communicate my thoughts and ideas very clearly. However, it’s the times my heart would be ripped apart and tossed for the dogs to eat that people around me just don’t realize it. I mean I know I have learned how to keep my emotions to myself but I know I am not that good!

I feel lost and alone; having people to listen to me is not the problem. Finding that one person that understands me is. Knowing someone that can anticipate my feelings and reactions seems unpromising. The more people I meet and get closer to the farther that dream seems. How longer can I go like that? How much more can I tolerate? Will this be my case? Just going through life knowing I am not understood.

Ranting of a Displeased Soul

For those who remember, this is a previous post I had on ‘Life As it Goes’ (my first blog). Felt it would better to keep a copy on this blog for those who haven’t read it.

I woke up disappointed today just being where I am. Nothing around me has changed since last night but I guess my perspective on things did . . . a life surrounded by friends and family can seem pretty heavenly. Yet, when you’re trapped in an environment where you are deprived of a basic emotion called enthusiasm, your life does start to become more and more tedious as you watch every day pass by with nothing exciting to do or look forward to. Life tends to loose its essence and things do turn horribly dull. My options here are very limited in general with very few things to do. It is such a struggle to get out of bed when there is nothing to get you going.

Happiness, it is a moment in time when you forget the pain you went through, and you’re ignorant of the worries that await you. It starts the instant your mind gets caught up in the present moment.

I have never written a poem in my life but I thought it’s about time I give it a try.

Happy or sad, what’s the difference?
Its only time that makes a difference
People smile and laugh as well
But it pain suppressed I see very well

I wish and dream, like a little kid
Of a place far away from here
Just to wake up and see how stupid I can be
I am trapped here, and there is no leaving for me.

What real is…?

Perfection of a fake smile, enthusiasm out of nothing, redirecting questions, pretending to be happy; Covering up a deeper and a more serious me. Why? Because this is what people ‘prefer’ to see. People enjoy the company of funny flirty individuals, it is pleasant I agree. Yet, this is not really me most of the time.

I’ll have CDs of Twista, 50 cent, and Kanye West in my car, but I’ll be doomed before ever having a CD of someone I love listening to, someone worth going around the block one more time just to hear him/her finish thier song… songs written by passionate writers, sung with emotions, touching my soul like Tracy Chapman, Allison Krauss, and Ben Harper.

Is pretending wrong? You might say ‘yes’. I on the on the other hand say, hell no! I am not going to be doomed with a dreadful social life just because of my sudden mood swings, misery, and depressed nature. Yes, I’ll keep pretending to be someone I am not just to fit in, have at least a some what normal life.

Not affecting the original problem, I am still depressed most of the time. Why shouldn’t I be? Here in Jordan, where peoples personalities are mass-produced. No one has any passions and they are all alike. Narrow minded, traditional, stubborn, and idiots by nature. Keeping in mind, the government is trying to rip you off till your last penny. Nothing new, nothing special; what a dull life I am living here. I feel in an environment like that I have the right to be depressed.

I would just like to share the lyrics of an amazing song by Tracy Chapman called ‘Fast Car’. As it was the song I was listening to over and over as I was writing this post.

You got a fast car
I want a ticket to anywhere
Maybe we make a deal
Maybe together we can get somewhere

Any place is better
Starting from zero got nothing to lose
Maybe we'll make something
Me, myself, I got nothing to prove

You got a fast car
I got a plan to get us out of here
Been working at the convenience store
Managed to save just a little bit of money
Won't have to drive too far
Just 'cross the border and into the city
You and I can both get jobs
And finally see what it means to be living

You see my old man's got a problem
He live with the bottle, that's the way it is
He says his body's too old for working
His body's too young to look like his
My mama went off and left him
She wanted more from life than he could give
I said "somebody's got to take care of him"
So I quit school and that's what I did

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so we can fly away?
We gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

I remember we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
We go cruising to entertain ourselves
Still ain't got a job
And I work in a market as a checkout girl
I know things will get better
You'll find work and I'll get promoted
We'll move out of the shelter
Buy a bigger house and live in the suburbs

'Cause I remember we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
And I got a job that pays all our bills
You stay out drinking late at the bar
See more of your friends than you do of your kids
I'd always hoped for better
Thought maybe together you and me would find it
We got no plans and ain't going nowhere
So take your fast car and keep on driving

'Cause I remember when we were driving, driving in your car
Speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone

You got a fast car
Is it fast enough so you can fly away?
You gotta make a decision
Leave tonight or live and die this way

The Beginning

I have lived my life going in and out of depressive episodes. The lower my mood falls, the more in touch with my emotions I get. On the very start of every episode I can’t help but remember what my dad had told me once; you cannot just let yourself go, you have to try and fight it, and injecting B12 to your body through needles and pills is not all it takes to solve the problem. It has to come from with in you. Even though he thought his words just went through one ear and out the other, I had really listened to them and tried to work with what he said. The feeling of hopelessness that I feel every time those words are replayed in mind is uncontrollable. How do I fight the way I feel? Is it by pretending they do not exist? Or by forgetting that I feel that way? I do not know. And I never did ask him because I know he cannot help me with that matter, even though I see it in his eyes that he would give up everything just to know and help. Throwing those words at me is his only option, thinking I might be more fortunate that they could help me when he knows they didn’t work for him… A common problem it is for the both of us, and it has created a special bond. Both still seeking for an answer and not getting it. This is where I am.

I feel embracing every emotion whether good or bad is important. So for me, I write. Spilling out every bit of my thoughts is all I can do. Creating an understanding of my depressive emotions is essential for me. Maybe then I can really find out the cause and the solution.